I just had one of those nights you read about on some amazingly well written comedic blog like Pregnant Chicken and before you have kids you think is a total exaggeration… And then you have kids and realize no one has as good as an imagination as real life.
Let me set the stage; I made dinner! This in itself is a huge accomplishment before Baby Content goes to bed. Admittedly it’s not one of my more nutritious and fancy dinners but it’s made and ready to be popped in the oven as soon as we’re ready. So this is also code for ‘the kitchen is a disaster’. I never had a chance to empty the clean dishes & reload the dishwasher so the dirty dishes that accumulated over the day today are stacked up along with the various dishes used to make dinner.
There’s also remnants of food all over the floor & table & highchair from Baby Content’s dinner. Yay I fed the kid! And it was nutritious and wholesome. Go mom!
So next is bath time. While I’m running the water trying to get the perfect temperature so I don’t cook my kid, said pipsqueak unravels the entire roll of toilet paper. I try to re-roll it with my one available hand but that just encourages her to unravel with more ferocity. I admit I had a good chuckle, it’s pretty cute after all.
Ok bath is ready, i spread out the towel on the carpet and lay her down to finish removing her clothes, which at this point only consist of a onesie and her Applecheeks cloth diaper. Wait… what’s that I smell.. oh no. Of course. It’s a poopy bum that I hadn’t planned for or I would have undressed her on her change pad downstairs with all the accoutrements. So now I’m trying to hold poopy squirmy baby with one hand and trying to find the beginning of the unraveled roll of toilet paper with the other hand. Eventually i find it and tear some off, dip it in bathwater and try to clean as best I can.
And then she shoves her foot in it. Awesome. Ok, I can handle this. More paper. More water.
And then she rolls. Ok. I can handle this. She’s on her belly, easier to clean the bum right? Yah totally, until she rolled again and then sat right up on her bath towel.
Ok I can handle this. So we’ve got poop on the towel, i can still clean the foot and keep the poop contained to the towel and grab a fresh one. No bigs.
And then she stands up and takes a step towards me. Naturally I’m wearing dropped crotch pants today so it’s pretty easy to walk all over my pants when I’m sitting on the ground. So now the poop is on Baby C’s bum, her foot, the towel, and my pants. I can handle this.
And then she looks at me kinda funny, says something in her gibberish and proceeds to pee all over me. Included in the pee zone is her towel and the carpet. She’s kind of confused so I quickly plop her in the bath and tear off my pants and wrap them up in the carpet & towel to be dealt with later.
So now I’m pantless but the baby is finally in the bath and the poop is contained. The rest of the bath was relatively uneventful – just the way I like it.
After bath, she’s tired and a little restless. This is always challenging when trying to wrangle a slippery baby into a slim fitting sleeper. I had prepared before we even headed into the bath so everything i needed was at my fingertips. I am trying to keep her occupied and on her back with various tubes of creams etc while I get her diaper on. I grab the tube of diaper cream squeeze some out and wipe it down her bottom. It took two swipes for me to realize the ‘diaper cream’ was not going on at it’s normal oppacity’ HOLY EFF I just put the ‘Breathe Easy’ eucalyptus chest rub on her bum!!!! OH good good. Bad Mom! Bad Mom! I quickly try to wipe it off with baby wipes then run to the bathroom with Baby Content tucked under my arm and get a warm washcloth to finish the job. She’s squirming and confused and isn’t quite sure what to make of the cool sensation on her bottom but after a little bit of time with the warm washcloth she settled.
Phew. That was no good. So i now I have an extra squirmy naked baby who is tired and restless and has a cool bottom. With some effort I get a diaper on (proper diaper cream), and a sleeper on – no more harm done. I grab her warmed bottle and head to her room. Finally it’s wind down time and then sleep! We cuddle in to the rocking chair, pop the bottle into her mouth and watch a steady stream of milk pour out of the bottle onto her sleeper. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I some how didn’t get the top on properly so I yank it out of her mouth (she was not impressed) undo it, redo it and then FINALLY we’re good to go. And then I realize I forgot to give her some advil before bed – which I’ve been doing for the last handful of nights because she’s got a tooth emerging and it tends to save us all from a restless night.
So send some positive thoughts my way that we have a calm, restful night. And that things don’t get progressively worse with tomorrow’s full moon. Now I’m off to do a load of poopy laundry.